You are incredibly courageous. I have utmost respect for your journey. And I am coming from a place where I am absolutely certain that the Torah is True with a capital T, and Hashem has a plan for all of us, individually and for all of Am Yisrael. This certainty is not a “leap of faith”. It comes from learning Jewish history and reveling in the genius of the layers and layers of Torah wisdom. Still, I hear you, I accept you, and I want only the best for you and your family.
I learned acceptance when I saw some of my children going in different directions. Who am I בכלל? My flaws are numerous. I can only say that everyone has their path.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this.
> I hear you, I accept you, and I want only the best for you and your family.
These words mean more to me than you could imagine. Although I don’t share your faith, I respect it and fully believe in its authenticity for you. Your certainty, rooted in learning and experience, is something I can admire even if I can’t fully understand it.
If I may be so bold, I’d like to offer a challenge - one rooted in the same spirit of acceptance you’ve shown me. We need more voices like yours, willing to stand up and express this kind of understanding and compassion. Would you consider writing a post on your blog about accepting those who no longer believe?
In reciprocation, I’d gladly write a post about something I find beautiful about Judaism. Perhaps, together, we can model what real dialogue and mutual respect can look like.
If you believe it’s infallible, perfect, and the one true truth to the exclusion of all other faiths and belief systems. If you believe that Jews have a special godly soul the goyim don’t have, the world is ~5k years old, people pay for the sins of ancestors they never met, genocide is ok if they are sinners, the death penalty is ok for breaking shabbos, men should always be in charge of women, and that a loving God drowns the whole of his own creation and that’s somehow a good thing… you are brainwashed I’m afraid, or you have accepted a demon god as your master. Amongst the brainwashed though, you seem to have a particularly open mind and caring heart. But these beliefs are not as innocent, beautiful, or true as you’d like to think. In the context of fundamentalist communities, they are pure persecution to those who question sincerely. The most penetrating minds and open hearts are the most dangerous to the zealous keepers of the lie, the enemies of truth… the Rabbis.
Consider if you would be brave enough to speak out in your community on behalf of someone like the author here. Consider why you would even need bravery. Or why anyone in the first place speaking their truth would be afraid in your community. There’s a deep poison afoot and if your community is really concerned with truth, why are they so afraid of this truth?
"Or why anyone in the first place speaking their truth would be afraid in your community. There’s a deep poison afoot and if your community is really concerned with truth, why are they so afraid of this truth?"
You're presupposing that people only have visceral reactions to things they know are the truth. But that....isn't actually true. I suspect that most frum people in Lakewood would have a rather visceral reaction if you started preaching about Jesus or Mohammed too. Doesn't mean they actually secretly know deep down that Christianity or Islam is true.
Have you considered the possibility that frum people 1) think Judaism is true and 2) don't appreciate when someone challenges their deeply held sincere beliefs?
(Note that I have NOT argued what is or isn't *actually* true. I'm simply disputing your assumption of what drives backlash to people who deny fundamental beliefs in a, well, fundamentalist setting. See also here: https://cross-currents.com/2013/07/23/is-heresy-horrible/ )
I’m not assuming they aren’t true believers and I’m also not assuming they won’t have a visceral reaction to their beliefs being challenged. I’m kind of going for that visceral reaction. It’s a good thing in my view for them (or anyone) to feel that frontier. Whether they choose to engage the conversation or walk away and dig in their heels, that’s up to them. OP has a gentler, kinder approach which I kind of admire but I have lost 2 of my closest friends to overdose and almost took my own life due to the alienation caused by abuse that was protected by the community, so my tolerance is very low.
"It’s a good thing in my view for them (or anyone) to feel that frontier."
I disagree with that. The internet has opened up all sorts of forums to allow people to have their beliefs challenged. It doesn't seem to have really improved anything. Empirically, it doesn't appear that most people react well to having their beliefs challenged, whether that's religious, political, views about vaccines, or anything else they feel strongly about.
"but I have lost 2 of my closest friends to overdose and almost took my own life due to the alienation caused by abuse that was protected by the community, so my tolerance is very low."
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you find comfort. (Cards on the table, I hope you regain your frumkeit too...)
We can agree to disagree. I’m not interested in folks reacting “well” nor am I thinking that I have the power to change anyone’s mind who is emotionally invested in their beliefs.
I’m simply interested in giving voice to the pain that is caused by holy people who love their beliefs so much that they lose touch with their humanity. If that’s uncomfortable, good. It should be. It’s a sickness of the mind and heart masquerading as spirituality.
Best I can hope is you find some inspiration to bring greater empathy to those suffering silently within your communities. The ones you may not have noticed before.
"I’m simply interested in giving voice to the pain..."
I think you're conflating 2 separate issues. There are people who suffer terribly due to being hurt by various aspects of 'the system.' And there are people who are orthoprax. I'm sure there's overlap between the 2 groups, but *surely* there are people who are in one category but not the other.
"If that’s uncomfortable, good. It should be. It’s a sickness of the mind and heart masquerading as spirituality."
I honestly don't know what you're trying to say. Are the abusive roshei yeshiva especially spiritual people?
"Best I can hope is you find some inspiration to bring greater empathy to those suffering silently within your communities. The ones you may not have noticed before."
How does my empathy help them? For that matter, how would they even know if I notice them and empathize with them? Furthermore, isn't the whole point to *hide* their heretical beliefs? The author of this substack apparently goes to the trouble of avoiding carrying in a technically kosher eiruv so as to be able to pass himself off as a yirei shamayim. https://exit98.substack.com/p/the-role-i-play
I personally know people who are risking their reputations and their families’ reputations and “safety” to go after abuse. And it’s big. And they are being threatened.
I am so sad that people are so evil. What else can I say?
The same you see, I have prophesied about nearly 20 years ago here in Boca.
We were a very tolerant community. The more we move חרדי, the more insular and intolerant we are becoming. Thus is not new. I remember a Lakewood when the only rabbi with a beard was Rav Aharon Kotler זצ״ל.
We are still somewhat tolerant, but that is fading with more חרדים moving in.
Some of that is secondary to MO/ZO rabbinic leaders who are insecure in their faith and need to qualify themselves with חרדי rabbis.
You don’t have to sugarcoat. You don’t know whether I have suffered or not. You don’t know if I’ve spoken out to individuals or not. You don’t know me or my experience, whether I enjoy comfort or not. And you don’t really know whether or not I have helped others or not.
The short answer is that I’m a kind of likable person who gets along with many types of people. Also, we pick our battles.
Never directed any ad hominem attacks at you so no need to get defensive. You commented as believer and a writer and I addressed you as such. You do enjoy comfort within the community, as all believers do. You are a member of these types of communities and I addressed you as I would any member.
We all have our hidden personal struggles and I have compassion for yours as I do for mine or anyone’s. But that’s not the topic we were discussing.
With all due respect, I will not discuss all of these issues on Substack. I’m not the type to try and convince others, and if you want to believe I am brainwashed, that’s your prerogative.
I am not willing to speak out on behalf of most people because I don’t see that as my role. I’m a private person who likes to write. That’s all.
The reason I said what I said to the author is because I wanted him to know that some people can be sure of themselves and still accept.
Join the long line of private people who don’t see it as their role to speak out (or write) on behalf of those suffering at the hands of the communities within which they enjoy comfort.
I’m sorry I can’t sugarcoat this and make it more pleasant for you. There are too many suffering alone in silence.
I’ve been following your posts with great interest, and I have to say, your story is both compelling and thought-provoking. Through your writing, you’ve opened a window into a world I knew little about, and I appreciate the experiences you share so openly. However, this particular post struck me in a way that prompted me to respond. I don’t disagree with what you wrote; rather, I hope to offer another perspective—one that you might appreciate and perhaps find helpful as you navigate.
You write: “Yet, here I am, terrified that writing about my internal world - about my truth - might cost me everything.” Perhaps this fear—though it reflects negatively on the state of our reality, as you so powerfully articulate—is the right instinct, trying to tell you something important.
It’s clear from your writings that you’re deeply aware of the risks and realities of your situation within the community. The stakes are high, and it’s heartbreaking that the consequences of “exposing this blog to people who won’t even try to understand” could be so severe. But you’ve articulated these risks well, and it’s clear you understand them.
So now you have decisions to make —terrible, difficult, painful decisions—but they are choices nonetheless.
You don’t have to maintain this balance forever. You could choose to keep playing along, holding everything together, and setting aside your inner struggles. You could choose to leave and start anew. You could choose to continue walking the tightrope. Or maybe there is some other choice you can make.
If your goal is to keep this middle ground intact, it won’t happen passively. Don’t let this unravel on its own. Staying in this delicate space - if even possible - will require intentional effort: a slow, choreographed dance involving careful thought, tough conversations, and a strategy that you and your family navigate together. It may mean opening up to others over time, easing them into your truth at a pace you can control. It might even mean, as others have mentioned here, relocating to a town where the “mechanisms of rejection” aren’t as strong. I’m sure this will be hard, and there will probably be pain which I don’t wish on my worst enemy. But these are decisions you can make. Take control. Stay ahead of things.
But you must recognize that, by maintaining this blog, you are making a choice—whether or not you’re ready to fully own it. This blog, as much as it serves you, is a fire you’re stoking, and you should know it.
You mentioned fear of being doxed, but the truth is, with a blog so aptly named and engaging with tens of community members, many who clearly know your identity, anonymity is already slipping away. In some ways, you are unintentionally doxing yourself. And that’s a choice too, one with very real consequences for both you and your family.
Continuing the blog is a decision—a weighty one. You write, “But if the day ever comes when she asks me to take it down, I’ll delete the blog and deny I ever knew it existed.” That’s not taking control. That’s letting events or others decide your course for you. You know the risks for you and your family, you own them.
Whatever you choose, make it your choice. Own the path you take, whether it’s staying silent, stepping away, or continuing forward with all the risks involved. Don’t let life happen to you—choose your direction with eyes wide open. At the very least, you owe yourself and your family that much.
“What if we chose to meet each other with curiosity instead of fear? With courage instead of rejection? Imagine what kind of world we could build if we started from there.” I couldn't agree more, but reality isn’t there yet and you can't change it fast enough to save yourself from it.
Your subtitle reads “The Truth Needs No Defenders“. Reality is the harshest truth of them all and it’s where “The whispers. The blacklists. The visceral rejection of anyone who puts even a toe over the line.” will come to haunt you and your family.
Take it or leave it. I speak from the heart and I truly wish you only the best. You’ve already demonstrated courage in sharing your thoughts; your writings show a positive demeanor, good sense of humor, guiding values, and a strong group of friends, you can do this. I do not envy the position you are in.
*sigh* It is so disheartening to hear this. I was lucky enough to have the means to leave my fundamentalist community before planting heavy roots. I now take for granted the liberty I enjoy living in a Modern Orthodox community that is more forgiving of the "fringe" I suppose. If I may, I just want to share with you a message of hope. Where you live, these ideas and feelings may not be accepted, but there are many of us who understand your plight and wish you nothing but luck on your journey. I have no ulterior motive to keep you in a frum Lakewood background. Perhaps this is a flaw of mine, of course I do not want to lose a Jewish brother, but I do want my brother to know that there is love available to him from even the frum Jewish world. It is unfortunate that certain communities are incapable of holding this together. They replace Ahavat Yisrael with a clinging to their way of life and communal norms. Many such as yourself are pushed away in this process and it is unjust. I am happy your wife has been supportive thus far and that you have not deleted your important blog.
I really think this is right. Perhaps the author’s wife will also feel less pressure if you were to move to a different community. There are plenty of places in which you can find a niche. Especially in Israel.
I love your positivity and bravery in writing this.
Unfortunately, I don't share the same optimism.
Though I do believe that most people are trying their best to be good people in the system they were raised in, so many of the fundamentalist beliefs they hold - because that is what it is - lead to awful behaviors.
I think there are spaces where this is changing, but there are other parts of the community where the insularity is worsening. As a Grandmother of 12 (11 of them living in Lakewood) and as someone who was the wife of a Rosh Hakollel for over 22 years, I hope that I am wrong and that change will happen sooner rather than later.
Still, for now, I hope that those of us who can speak up about the community will slowly positively impact individuals and the community as a whole.
As a double lifer trying to figure out everything that goes with it, I feel connected by this post. However, for some reason I don’t have such a strong reaction of condemnation. Maybe it’s because I don’t do such “heinous” acts of rebellion and don’t have so much of an interest to. Maybe it’s because my community feels a bit more accepting than what you describe. Maybe maybe maybe.
I do think I understand where they are coming from. I would want to protect my children and community from certain thoughts and practices that I find dangerous and harmful. If my kids were getting together with those trying to convince them that drugs are beneficial, for example, I would do what I can to block those ideas from my children’s mind. People in this world believe lots of crazy things, and just because I think I might be right about a particular proposition, it doesn’t mean others aren’t susceptible to believing in falsehoods. Protecting others from exposure to ideas may be a valuable tool.
Of course there are some terrible consequences to this, including the negative experiences as described in the post, but that doesn’t make the decision necessarily a bad one.
The actions of the frum community are not because they are fearful and in doubt of their beliefs. On the contrary, due to the lack of exposure to knowledge, other cultures, and strong propaganda the average person really does think that Ultra-Orthodox Judaism is the sole repository of truth.
That being said, they are simply following the precepts of their cult. Among them are the following:
1) One is forbidden to even THINK about ideas that are against the Torah (let alone engage with people like you). (THIS IS IN THE END OF THE SECOND BE'UR HALACAH IN ALL OF MISHNAH BERURAH)
2) The Chofetz Chaim writes that it is a Mitzvah to shame and degrade those that are not "with us" in performing Torah and Mitzvos.
3) Those who don't care for the ritual prohibitions cannot be trusted on these matters (See Yoreh Deah 119).
So how can you expect them to have a place for you in their society which is so ritually oriented?
4) Although not practiced today, extreme violence against dissenters is sanctioned in the Torah.
"The deviants of Israel – those who worship idols or commit transgressions out of spite, even if
(their transgressions) amount (only) to eating non kosher meat or wearing garments of mixed
wool and linen – as well as the heretics who deny (the divine origin of) the Torah or the Israelite
prophecy were used to be killed in the Land of Israel. If one has power to kill them with a sword,
in public, he should do so. (Yoreh Deah, 158:2)"
There are more examples of this book: (only $3.99 on Kindle)
Your sources only prove his point. Not only do the contemporary frumme fear differing opinions, the fear of differing opinions is actually baked into torah based judaism. Essentially, the religion cannot survive on its own merit and therefore needs to demonize and shut down differing opinions so that its followers should never even attempt to think outside of the bubble in which they are kept. Because the rabbis know that the moment people are allowed to make free choices based on unfiltered information and knowledge, judaism won't last too long, and neither would their power and influence.
Let’s try to keep this conversation positive. Believe me, I feel your frustration. But I honestly don’t believe they reflect the true nature of most frum people today.
Yes, there are halachic sources and historical precedents that seem to encourage the demonization of dissenting opinions. And yes, it’s true that frum communities often rely on insularity and a rigid framework to maintain their structure. But I don’t think most frum people genuinely believe these things in their hearts.
The world has changed, and so have people. While some of these ideas may still exist as part of the rhetoric or even be taught in certain contexts, they are increasingly at odds with the lived reality of most people in the frum world. I believe that most people today pay lip service to those more extreme ideas but would never actually follow through with them. They’re simply part of the framework they’ve inherited and accepted - because questioning the framework feels too risky.
I believe that most frum people are fundamentally good, kind, and compassionate. They are not consciously trying to hurt others or perpetuate harm. I believe that more often than not, these people act out of a deep commitment to their understanding of truth and their desire to live meaningful lives within the framework they know. But I also believe that many of these same people are unaware of the unintended pain their actions cause - pain that could be alleviated if they were shaken from their sleep and invited to see things from another perspective.
I hold onto the hope that meaningful change can happen. Hearts can open. People can grow. And the only way to encourage that growth is through dialogue, empathy, and persistence.
So let’s not fall into cynicism or paint with too broad a brush. The frum community may have rules and structures that feel unyielding, but individuals have the capacity to transcend them. My goal with this blog is not to dismantle or demonize anyone’s faith or worldview - it’s to inspire reflection and connection. It’s to help people see the humanity in others, even when those others think differently.
Instead of focusing on what divides us or what’s written in Halacha, let’s focus on the possibility of connection, understanding, and change. Because I believe, at their core, most people - frum or not - want to live in a world where kindness, respect, and acceptance can thrive.
I agree with you. I don't think true adherence to torah based judaism allows for acceptance. But lots of shit from judaism gets ignored as the religion evolves. And judaism is evolving overall to be more accepting of otd'ers. So i guess he's just trying to work with that.
I hope you are right. I also heard from a well known Rov in the tristate area that the ITC phenomenon is VERY common. So I guess contemporary Judaism might be at a crossroads.
Thinking back to Jackson’s LFL (Little Free Library) you were telling us about recently. Are skeptical books welcome there? (I hope you don't mind my asking.)
You are incredibly courageous. I have utmost respect for your journey. And I am coming from a place where I am absolutely certain that the Torah is True with a capital T, and Hashem has a plan for all of us, individually and for all of Am Yisrael. This certainty is not a “leap of faith”. It comes from learning Jewish history and reveling in the genius of the layers and layers of Torah wisdom. Still, I hear you, I accept you, and I want only the best for you and your family.
I learned acceptance when I saw some of my children going in different directions. Who am I בכלל? My flaws are numerous. I can only say that everyone has their path.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this.
> I hear you, I accept you, and I want only the best for you and your family.
These words mean more to me than you could imagine. Although I don’t share your faith, I respect it and fully believe in its authenticity for you. Your certainty, rooted in learning and experience, is something I can admire even if I can’t fully understand it.
If I may be so bold, I’d like to offer a challenge - one rooted in the same spirit of acceptance you’ve shown me. We need more voices like yours, willing to stand up and express this kind of understanding and compassion. Would you consider writing a post on your blog about accepting those who no longer believe?
In reciprocation, I’d gladly write a post about something I find beautiful about Judaism. Perhaps, together, we can model what real dialogue and mutual respect can look like.
Ok, here it is, the post about accepting. Like it or leave it.
https://open.substack.com/pub/liba/p/ahhh-beethovens-6th?r=fxgvw&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true
Awesome! oh boy, pressure is on. Let's do this!
Here’s mine
https://open.substack.com/pub/exit98/p/things-i-appreciate-about-judaism
This is so sweet. Btw, have you read anything on my blog?
Not yet. I will.
If you believe it’s infallible, perfect, and the one true truth to the exclusion of all other faiths and belief systems. If you believe that Jews have a special godly soul the goyim don’t have, the world is ~5k years old, people pay for the sins of ancestors they never met, genocide is ok if they are sinners, the death penalty is ok for breaking shabbos, men should always be in charge of women, and that a loving God drowns the whole of his own creation and that’s somehow a good thing… you are brainwashed I’m afraid, or you have accepted a demon god as your master. Amongst the brainwashed though, you seem to have a particularly open mind and caring heart. But these beliefs are not as innocent, beautiful, or true as you’d like to think. In the context of fundamentalist communities, they are pure persecution to those who question sincerely. The most penetrating minds and open hearts are the most dangerous to the zealous keepers of the lie, the enemies of truth… the Rabbis.
Consider if you would be brave enough to speak out in your community on behalf of someone like the author here. Consider why you would even need bravery. Or why anyone in the first place speaking their truth would be afraid in your community. There’s a deep poison afoot and if your community is really concerned with truth, why are they so afraid of this truth?
"Or why anyone in the first place speaking their truth would be afraid in your community. There’s a deep poison afoot and if your community is really concerned with truth, why are they so afraid of this truth?"
You're presupposing that people only have visceral reactions to things they know are the truth. But that....isn't actually true. I suspect that most frum people in Lakewood would have a rather visceral reaction if you started preaching about Jesus or Mohammed too. Doesn't mean they actually secretly know deep down that Christianity or Islam is true.
Have you considered the possibility that frum people 1) think Judaism is true and 2) don't appreciate when someone challenges their deeply held sincere beliefs?
(Note that I have NOT argued what is or isn't *actually* true. I'm simply disputing your assumption of what drives backlash to people who deny fundamental beliefs in a, well, fundamentalist setting. See also here: https://cross-currents.com/2013/07/23/is-heresy-horrible/ )
I’m not assuming they aren’t true believers and I’m also not assuming they won’t have a visceral reaction to their beliefs being challenged. I’m kind of going for that visceral reaction. It’s a good thing in my view for them (or anyone) to feel that frontier. Whether they choose to engage the conversation or walk away and dig in their heels, that’s up to them. OP has a gentler, kinder approach which I kind of admire but I have lost 2 of my closest friends to overdose and almost took my own life due to the alienation caused by abuse that was protected by the community, so my tolerance is very low.
"It’s a good thing in my view for them (or anyone) to feel that frontier."
I disagree with that. The internet has opened up all sorts of forums to allow people to have their beliefs challenged. It doesn't seem to have really improved anything. Empirically, it doesn't appear that most people react well to having their beliefs challenged, whether that's religious, political, views about vaccines, or anything else they feel strongly about.
"but I have lost 2 of my closest friends to overdose and almost took my own life due to the alienation caused by abuse that was protected by the community, so my tolerance is very low."
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you find comfort. (Cards on the table, I hope you regain your frumkeit too...)
I appreciate your honesty regarding your agenda.
We can agree to disagree. I’m not interested in folks reacting “well” nor am I thinking that I have the power to change anyone’s mind who is emotionally invested in their beliefs.
I’m simply interested in giving voice to the pain that is caused by holy people who love their beliefs so much that they lose touch with their humanity. If that’s uncomfortable, good. It should be. It’s a sickness of the mind and heart masquerading as spirituality.
Best I can hope is you find some inspiration to bring greater empathy to those suffering silently within your communities. The ones you may not have noticed before.
"I’m simply interested in giving voice to the pain..."
I think you're conflating 2 separate issues. There are people who suffer terribly due to being hurt by various aspects of 'the system.' And there are people who are orthoprax. I'm sure there's overlap between the 2 groups, but *surely* there are people who are in one category but not the other.
"If that’s uncomfortable, good. It should be. It’s a sickness of the mind and heart masquerading as spirituality."
I honestly don't know what you're trying to say. Are the abusive roshei yeshiva especially spiritual people?
"Best I can hope is you find some inspiration to bring greater empathy to those suffering silently within your communities. The ones you may not have noticed before."
How does my empathy help them? For that matter, how would they even know if I notice them and empathize with them? Furthermore, isn't the whole point to *hide* their heretical beliefs? The author of this substack apparently goes to the trouble of avoiding carrying in a technically kosher eiruv so as to be able to pass himself off as a yirei shamayim. https://exit98.substack.com/p/the-role-i-play
I personally know people who are risking their reputations and their families’ reputations and “safety” to go after abuse. And it’s big. And they are being threatened.
I am so sad that people are so evil. What else can I say?
Great summary on the first paragraph!
The same you see, I have prophesied about nearly 20 years ago here in Boca.
We were a very tolerant community. The more we move חרדי, the more insular and intolerant we are becoming. Thus is not new. I remember a Lakewood when the only rabbi with a beard was Rav Aharon Kotler זצ״ל.
We are still somewhat tolerant, but that is fading with more חרדים moving in.
Some of that is secondary to MO/ZO rabbinic leaders who are insecure in their faith and need to qualify themselves with חרדי rabbis.
You don’t have to sugarcoat. You don’t know whether I have suffered or not. You don’t know if I’ve spoken out to individuals or not. You don’t know me or my experience, whether I enjoy comfort or not. And you don’t really know whether or not I have helped others or not.
The short answer is that I’m a kind of likable person who gets along with many types of people. Also, we pick our battles.
Never directed any ad hominem attacks at you so no need to get defensive. You commented as believer and a writer and I addressed you as such. You do enjoy comfort within the community, as all believers do. You are a member of these types of communities and I addressed you as I would any member.
We all have our hidden personal struggles and I have compassion for yours as I do for mine or anyone’s. But that’s not the topic we were discussing.
Ok
With all due respect, I will not discuss all of these issues on Substack. I’m not the type to try and convince others, and if you want to believe I am brainwashed, that’s your prerogative.
I am not willing to speak out on behalf of most people because I don’t see that as my role. I’m a private person who likes to write. That’s all.
The reason I said what I said to the author is because I wanted him to know that some people can be sure of themselves and still accept.
Join the long line of private people who don’t see it as their role to speak out (or write) on behalf of those suffering at the hands of the communities within which they enjoy comfort.
I’m sorry I can’t sugarcoat this and make it more pleasant for you. There are too many suffering alone in silence.
Hi Exit98,
I’ve been following your posts with great interest, and I have to say, your story is both compelling and thought-provoking. Through your writing, you’ve opened a window into a world I knew little about, and I appreciate the experiences you share so openly. However, this particular post struck me in a way that prompted me to respond. I don’t disagree with what you wrote; rather, I hope to offer another perspective—one that you might appreciate and perhaps find helpful as you navigate.
You write: “Yet, here I am, terrified that writing about my internal world - about my truth - might cost me everything.” Perhaps this fear—though it reflects negatively on the state of our reality, as you so powerfully articulate—is the right instinct, trying to tell you something important.
It’s clear from your writings that you’re deeply aware of the risks and realities of your situation within the community. The stakes are high, and it’s heartbreaking that the consequences of “exposing this blog to people who won’t even try to understand” could be so severe. But you’ve articulated these risks well, and it’s clear you understand them.
So now you have decisions to make —terrible, difficult, painful decisions—but they are choices nonetheless.
You don’t have to maintain this balance forever. You could choose to keep playing along, holding everything together, and setting aside your inner struggles. You could choose to leave and start anew. You could choose to continue walking the tightrope. Or maybe there is some other choice you can make.
If your goal is to keep this middle ground intact, it won’t happen passively. Don’t let this unravel on its own. Staying in this delicate space - if even possible - will require intentional effort: a slow, choreographed dance involving careful thought, tough conversations, and a strategy that you and your family navigate together. It may mean opening up to others over time, easing them into your truth at a pace you can control. It might even mean, as others have mentioned here, relocating to a town where the “mechanisms of rejection” aren’t as strong. I’m sure this will be hard, and there will probably be pain which I don’t wish on my worst enemy. But these are decisions you can make. Take control. Stay ahead of things.
But you must recognize that, by maintaining this blog, you are making a choice—whether or not you’re ready to fully own it. This blog, as much as it serves you, is a fire you’re stoking, and you should know it.
You mentioned fear of being doxed, but the truth is, with a blog so aptly named and engaging with tens of community members, many who clearly know your identity, anonymity is already slipping away. In some ways, you are unintentionally doxing yourself. And that’s a choice too, one with very real consequences for both you and your family.
Continuing the blog is a decision—a weighty one. You write, “But if the day ever comes when she asks me to take it down, I’ll delete the blog and deny I ever knew it existed.” That’s not taking control. That’s letting events or others decide your course for you. You know the risks for you and your family, you own them.
Whatever you choose, make it your choice. Own the path you take, whether it’s staying silent, stepping away, or continuing forward with all the risks involved. Don’t let life happen to you—choose your direction with eyes wide open. At the very least, you owe yourself and your family that much.
“What if we chose to meet each other with curiosity instead of fear? With courage instead of rejection? Imagine what kind of world we could build if we started from there.” I couldn't agree more, but reality isn’t there yet and you can't change it fast enough to save yourself from it.
Your subtitle reads “The Truth Needs No Defenders“. Reality is the harshest truth of them all and it’s where “The whispers. The blacklists. The visceral rejection of anyone who puts even a toe over the line.” will come to haunt you and your family.
Take it or leave it. I speak from the heart and I truly wish you only the best. You’ve already demonstrated courage in sharing your thoughts; your writings show a positive demeanor, good sense of humor, guiding values, and a strong group of friends, you can do this. I do not envy the position you are in.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
-Dan
Ouch! You’re not wrong.
So relatable! Thank you for these blog posts.
(Incidentally, I've been sharing these posts on Facebook in the Frum / OTD Dialogue group.)
*sigh* It is so disheartening to hear this. I was lucky enough to have the means to leave my fundamentalist community before planting heavy roots. I now take for granted the liberty I enjoy living in a Modern Orthodox community that is more forgiving of the "fringe" I suppose. If I may, I just want to share with you a message of hope. Where you live, these ideas and feelings may not be accepted, but there are many of us who understand your plight and wish you nothing but luck on your journey. I have no ulterior motive to keep you in a frum Lakewood background. Perhaps this is a flaw of mine, of course I do not want to lose a Jewish brother, but I do want my brother to know that there is love available to him from even the frum Jewish world. It is unfortunate that certain communities are incapable of holding this together. They replace Ahavat Yisrael with a clinging to their way of life and communal norms. Many such as yourself are pushed away in this process and it is unjust. I am happy your wife has been supportive thus far and that you have not deleted your important blog.
I really think this is right. Perhaps the author’s wife will also feel less pressure if you were to move to a different community. There are plenty of places in which you can find a niche. Especially in Israel.
I love your positivity and bravery in writing this.
Unfortunately, I don't share the same optimism.
Though I do believe that most people are trying their best to be good people in the system they were raised in, so many of the fundamentalist beliefs they hold - because that is what it is - lead to awful behaviors.
I think there are spaces where this is changing, but there are other parts of the community where the insularity is worsening. As a Grandmother of 12 (11 of them living in Lakewood) and as someone who was the wife of a Rosh Hakollel for over 22 years, I hope that I am wrong and that change will happen sooner rather than later.
Still, for now, I hope that those of us who can speak up about the community will slowly positively impact individuals and the community as a whole.
As a double lifer trying to figure out everything that goes with it, I feel connected by this post. However, for some reason I don’t have such a strong reaction of condemnation. Maybe it’s because I don’t do such “heinous” acts of rebellion and don’t have so much of an interest to. Maybe it’s because my community feels a bit more accepting than what you describe. Maybe maybe maybe.
I do think I understand where they are coming from. I would want to protect my children and community from certain thoughts and practices that I find dangerous and harmful. If my kids were getting together with those trying to convince them that drugs are beneficial, for example, I would do what I can to block those ideas from my children’s mind. People in this world believe lots of crazy things, and just because I think I might be right about a particular proposition, it doesn’t mean others aren’t susceptible to believing in falsehoods. Protecting others from exposure to ideas may be a valuable tool.
Of course there are some terrible consequences to this, including the negative experiences as described in the post, but that doesn’t make the decision necessarily a bad one.
Great point! Honestly, this is a big shame on a community that has the chance to act differently. I commend you for sharing this.
I thought you guys knew how to learn!
The actions of the frum community are not because they are fearful and in doubt of their beliefs. On the contrary, due to the lack of exposure to knowledge, other cultures, and strong propaganda the average person really does think that Ultra-Orthodox Judaism is the sole repository of truth.
That being said, they are simply following the precepts of their cult. Among them are the following:
1) One is forbidden to even THINK about ideas that are against the Torah (let alone engage with people like you). (THIS IS IN THE END OF THE SECOND BE'UR HALACAH IN ALL OF MISHNAH BERURAH)
2) The Chofetz Chaim writes that it is a Mitzvah to shame and degrade those that are not "with us" in performing Torah and Mitzvos.
3) Those who don't care for the ritual prohibitions cannot be trusted on these matters (See Yoreh Deah 119).
So how can you expect them to have a place for you in their society which is so ritually oriented?
4) Although not practiced today, extreme violence against dissenters is sanctioned in the Torah.
"The deviants of Israel – those who worship idols or commit transgressions out of spite, even if
(their transgressions) amount (only) to eating non kosher meat or wearing garments of mixed
wool and linen – as well as the heretics who deny (the divine origin of) the Torah or the Israelite
prophecy were used to be killed in the Land of Israel. If one has power to kill them with a sword,
in public, he should do so. (Yoreh Deah, 158:2)"
There are more examples of this book: (only $3.99 on Kindle)
https://www.amazon.com/Religion-Caught-Its-Own-Net-ebook/dp/B08N5751X7
So how can you expect serious members of the cult to have room for you in their community?
The least they can do have their actions align with the rules is to shun and have no place for people like you.
Your sources only prove his point. Not only do the contemporary frumme fear differing opinions, the fear of differing opinions is actually baked into torah based judaism. Essentially, the religion cannot survive on its own merit and therefore needs to demonize and shut down differing opinions so that its followers should never even attempt to think outside of the bubble in which they are kept. Because the rabbis know that the moment people are allowed to make free choices based on unfiltered information and knowledge, judaism won't last too long, and neither would their power and influence.
Let’s try to keep this conversation positive. Believe me, I feel your frustration. But I honestly don’t believe they reflect the true nature of most frum people today.
Yes, there are halachic sources and historical precedents that seem to encourage the demonization of dissenting opinions. And yes, it’s true that frum communities often rely on insularity and a rigid framework to maintain their structure. But I don’t think most frum people genuinely believe these things in their hearts.
The world has changed, and so have people. While some of these ideas may still exist as part of the rhetoric or even be taught in certain contexts, they are increasingly at odds with the lived reality of most people in the frum world. I believe that most people today pay lip service to those more extreme ideas but would never actually follow through with them. They’re simply part of the framework they’ve inherited and accepted - because questioning the framework feels too risky.
I believe that most frum people are fundamentally good, kind, and compassionate. They are not consciously trying to hurt others or perpetuate harm. I believe that more often than not, these people act out of a deep commitment to their understanding of truth and their desire to live meaningful lives within the framework they know. But I also believe that many of these same people are unaware of the unintended pain their actions cause - pain that could be alleviated if they were shaken from their sleep and invited to see things from another perspective.
I hold onto the hope that meaningful change can happen. Hearts can open. People can grow. And the only way to encourage that growth is through dialogue, empathy, and persistence.
So let’s not fall into cynicism or paint with too broad a brush. The frum community may have rules and structures that feel unyielding, but individuals have the capacity to transcend them. My goal with this blog is not to dismantle or demonize anyone’s faith or worldview - it’s to inspire reflection and connection. It’s to help people see the humanity in others, even when those others think differently.
Instead of focusing on what divides us or what’s written in Halacha, let’s focus on the possibility of connection, understanding, and change. Because I believe, at their core, most people - frum or not - want to live in a world where kindness, respect, and acceptance can thrive.
Wow. Even more respect I have for you! You really have no hatred (even though you may have good reason to). I’m very impressed.
For those who understand, there is no reason to hate individuals (unless one was abused).
Many of us are against the religious ideas of which the frum community is just as much of a victim.
That is an excellent point. I fully agree with you that most frum people do NOT really believe much of what Halacha has to say.
They don't feel it would be right to have someone die young with their small children (Karies) for making a tea or brushing your hair on Shabbos.
So why does he expect the community to be accepting of dissenters if the religion is configured to at the very least to exclude them?
I agree with you. I don't think true adherence to torah based judaism allows for acceptance. But lots of shit from judaism gets ignored as the religion evolves. And judaism is evolving overall to be more accepting of otd'ers. So i guess he's just trying to work with that.
I hope you are right. I also heard from a well known Rov in the tristate area that the ITC phenomenon is VERY common. So I guess contemporary Judaism might be at a crossroads.
"I thought you guys knew how to learn"
*Brings proof from 3.99 Kindle book*
That book reads like Mein Kampf. It's translation is terrible.
Don’t worry Chazal clarified that ואהבת לרעך כמוך is only for רעך למצוות.
Arty Cweiber -
Thinking back to Jackson’s LFL (Little Free Library) you were telling us about recently. Are skeptical books welcome there? (I hope you don't mind my asking.)
I agree with you.
I think that in your position this blog is very important in raising awareness about critical community issues.